Dream I was wearing a lifejacket in a snowstorm

And, previously, that I responded to a friend’s call for help on a project, and that I responded to the broad requirement of the situation with a product (it was writing in this case, for a service).  My product was good…it was better than this friend could have done on his own.  But his response was, not to use what I’d done, not to collaborate, not even to steal what I had given him…but rather to stop talking to me, to close his door and vainly attempt to, by himself, best what I had done…which given this particular person, at this particular task, I knew was futile.  The thing that I didn’t like about the situation didn’t have anything to do (from my point of view) with skill and shame and sensibility…I didn’t like that he stopped talking to me, because I was trying to be his friend.  But I could do that and he couldn’t…and it has to go both ways.

Then I had gone out shopping, and was still wearing my lifejacket from the pool, with a tshirt over it.  I didn’t know whether to wear the tshirt or the lifejacket.  And then it started snowing, a blizzard.  Who needs a lifejacket in a snowstorm?

That’s what I am.  I’m a lifejacket in a snowstorm.  That’s how I feel sometimes.  And no one needs a lifejacket in a snowstorm.  Except, to me, this isn’t a snowstorm.  In my life, to my perception, we’re at the pool, we’re at the beach, we’re in the warm ocean.  And I’m dressed for that.  I bring, in myself, what is appropriate for that.  But some of these people I think I’m at the beach with…to them, we’re in a snowstorm.  That’s why our approaches are mismatched.

Dream I was wearing a lifejacket in a snowstorm

Presence (Ability and Freedom)

A therapist once suggested this as a definition of presence: that one was able to think, but not compelled to think. I do not know if that definition was hers or someone else’s. It occurred to me today, about nine years after that therapy session, that you could extend that idea like this:

free compelled
able present addicted
successful
unable useless
irrelevant
anxious
failing

The definition of presence that my therapist presented to me, is here expanded, suggesting other states. When I am able to think (or act) in a certain way, and also not compelled (free) to think or act in a certain way, then I am present. When I am able and compelled, I am addicted (or successful, or enslaved). When I am compelled yet unable, I am anxious or failing. When I am not compelled to act, and also unable to act, I am irrelevant, useless, or disconnected.

With each action in my life, each state, each moment, consider which of these quadrants best fits.

Also, consider that in small scopes (like the scope of one day, or the scope of one aspect of my life), when my state moves around those quadrants, it most often moves one square at a time, either horizontally or vertically. Because, generally, one of the variables (ability/inability or freedom/constraint) changes, and then, somewhat later, another (or the same) variable changes in sequence. When I’m anxious in a relationship, I’m not likely to switch immediately to presence, with respect to that relationship…more likely I’ll go to either success or irrelevance first, and from either of those positions I may move to presence. When I’m addicted in a behavior, I might get tired, at which point I’ll become unable, moving to a state of anxious failing…but the point is that to go from addicted to disconnected (or from anxiousness to presence) involves two distinct shifts, which most likely will happen in sequence rather than at the same time.

The presence quadrant of this square is special, and the variables that make up the square’s axes are relevant, when you consider a third variable: desire. Of the four quadrants shown, only one of them is such that regardless of whether you want or do not want (to think, to act in whatever way), are you able to act in accordance with your desire. In the other three quadrants, desire either is, or can be, an impediment to bliss.

Presence (Ability and Freedom)

Desiderata (Max Ehrmann)

“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Desiderata (Max Ehrmann)

Dreams of high places,

boats, wind, eating, taking a nap, and thoughts of Chicago when I woke up.  I love how in dreams there’s boundless enthusiasm for something, and no sense of whether it makes sense or not.  I think in many regards that mode would work wonderfully in waking life as well.  The “hardest” thing is ease.  More accurately, it is the rarest thing.  Because ease isn’t hard at all.  But how rarely do we act with ease, without judgement; how rarely is it that we exist for a few moments, create with a few words, in that wonderful mode.

Dreams of high places,

The Murdermuffin Post-it

I wrote this on New Year’s Eve 2001 while tripping on psilocybin mushrooms. I wrote it on a Mac in the Post-It note application; hence, I call it the murdermuffin post-it:

childlike wonder

even standing in the halls at Best Buy

fascinatyion

leaving little notes

around

poety

on

post-it

notes

[do that]

[and writing on the back of pics]

[edited for television]

repeat that phrase forever

write a book,

spend your life writing books

would be okay

slither in here,

my dear

(go crazy, it doesn’t matter, live wildly and fun, we’re gonna put this here and that there, we’re going to redecorate!! (in quotations) going to redecorate and have childish fun)

no lack

abundance in everything

what can we create from this?

friekish fun is impossible to fathom, though, for (mere mortals)…and from their point of reason it is insult, it is scathing mockery, it is diabolique, mysteryschzism, intangible murderfrockery, middlewatschmoffining, sallygaggingmizzteryhocclingwandermuffiningspellbindery!

indeed.

write plays where people are the extremes of obscure characterization, poetry consisting all of one syllable, syllableschisms, poetry consisting of just one word, forget about publishing….redefine the medium.

redefine the medium

opshenz

one-word revolution

anglez

syllableschism

[expand candy-smurfing zipsquiggler and call Mattel]

[it’s improv poetry and a party game all slammed into one]

[make weird packages and send them to CEOs…proposals…explore eccentricities]

explore eccentricities

ten-angle tangent

invent words

redefine

redefine

redefinition of a syllableschism

plays that are just wordplay…drama just two characters spewing otherwise unutterable nonsensical strings of paradise, muffinfucker paradise, the gamo-globulan universiary syllable…one hour of that, incomprehensible by most readers and audience members, unshoulderable by most actors, the most brilliant dramatic

don’t take risks…live (conceptually) up against the wall of weird, oblivious to the box

don’t edit anything.

serial muffinfucker

hi. i’m brilliant.

unadulterated sloppyburgers

enebryonic hilarity

alabaster everything.

friekashly tall

[entire books of logical syntactic wordplay]

make them come to you.

no capitals. all punctuation. everything.

attitude. the works.

repleasuring style.

infinite completion.

unabbreviated salamanders.

discreet opshenz.

[entire book written phonetically]

forget the box.

regurg.

.alphapussy

redirector.

[words from computers]

redirector.

redefine maleability.

rethink.

redefine.

imagine.

wonder.

stop.

minimal, perfect

eyebrow

alabaster

alabaster

alabaster everything.

empty spaces

abstract

gate no. 17

elephant eyebrow

altruism

zeeooowwww

robbing monkeys blind eyebrows

write with no punctuation, no articles, no discernable fantasy

write a few more things down.

be it.

[alphapussy…alphabet book of poetry, absolute literature, a is for…, b is for…; a page for every letter; a page for every guideword in the dictionary]

absolut literature.

mmmovement.

tap in.

frozen.

take direction.

i’m speaking.

loudly.

how ’bout later?

how about now.

[entire dialog of that, then eight other scenes equally abstract, a pinch of cumin, call it play]

absolutely ravishing.

convulse.

wordpower.

mediafrenzy.

mediamuffin.

gangbusters.

[weird punctuation in alphapussy…like the punctuation from a dictionary on mushrooms]

consensual misspelling.

trash it.

hunger.

thirst.

running.

sacrificial elves.

the rest is history.

massmedia cultural redirection (genocide)

welcome to next.

infinity bitch.

re-maleab-implementation

expand.

surrender enterprise.

mixed-media signals

genital improvosation

importance.

(re-elvishness syndrome)

(attributed to)

make.

tell.

the importance of mixed-media genital re-improvosation

[call emily…do a language show]

re-poetry-ize

sybbalanzez

reenergizing murdermuffin protein

(mountain dew)

brillianze. antz.

[spell everything phonetikally]

note to self.

[instantaneous vehicular re-appropriation]

muscle.

murdermuffin.

murdermuffin maladies [title]

that’s the whole thing.

[game that comes up with?] ad slogans

fake.

fake ad slogans.

intentional misspelling.

intentional misspelling. [corrected]

redefine.

re-act.

re-posess.

bipartisan lingual reposession.

repetition.

submit.

the wacky particle.

worrysome wizard. wobbling. worrying. whenever.

whwnwvwr [get it?]

wichita.

murder club candy.

phrasal redefinition.

reposession.

[go in and post notes everywhere…reclaim a coffeehouse…take over, placing notes, a happening, ]

announce.

become. be-fucking-come.

poetryscandal.

swizzlenifty.

zapfchancery

it’s just. but–

instantaneous re-phraseology

doctor happenstance is in the house

rap. monkey. is in the house.

in the house.

off the hook.

[decorate bill tudor’s house]

lucid.

you’re not dreaming.

winnebago. boulevard. zapfchancery.

write.

straight to classical.

improvise.

absoterrible

evolve.

[encourage rapid evolution of the English language]

play classical loud.

zero tolerance.

re-muffin-ize (as in, we’re going to … this whole place)

resubtract and redouble.

aim to tolerize.

refuck.

unhypothize.

reimport.

revert.

unsave.

instalphabet.

56. 57. What’s next!? 58?

fucking trainspotting.

spotterize.

reaccessorize.

re-alphabertize.

re-enchant.

instantaneous realphabetization complex

i’m through with chess.

storm out.

bulligerant

alphabetic bulligeranze.

stormtrooper pantylock.

that fucking billionaire.

period.

repanty.

solidly repregnate.

poetreelokk.

what’s your perception?

punctuate.

murdermaladymister.

hhhot.

just one critisim.

hold that thought.

i wont kiss.

gnoshing.

kissypoo.

closeit.

i’ve changed everything.

new slogans all around.

billboardz.

it was nothing.

not with you.

never anything.

we’ll take parts of it.

doesn’t it feel ducky?

i mean the feeling.

supposed to.

didn’t.

poised.

it’s my favorite place to sleep.

sleepyduck. ling.

much bigger.

re-patriate.

surrpastuate.

niptrovocate.

zloomantheate.

exfunctuate.

ennovicate.

re-expand.

you’re not it.

gotcha.

ohyeah.

imposticate.

the words are real.

i wish i had my list.

protect the innocent.

innoculate.

infatuate.

self-inflate.

really mathematical thinking.

before I learned to talk.

kitae.

hello my kittae.

abstract re-enebriation.

reinitiate.

reinitiate pregnant pauses.

reactivate the pregnancy.

reenact possibility.

follow.

keep up.

you didn’t say that.

you didn’t.

partially retolerable waste.

partially retolerable byproduct.

waste style.

extra virgin. extra wide.

greaseburn. fightclub.

spaces.

first.

take it.

just go.

take me.

a-z:

[r]iddle me this.

boulevard of broken pencils

[m]ovies with millions of movie references

a-z:

[a]d[vertising]

[s]

implicity

“bang.”

“delicious.”

“a tour-de-force.”

with a through line and characters, drama, literary, but supermodern

m is for movies, but we never say so

[with diagrams like in a dictionary]

remalady the zhivago.

all the way.

different every time.

keep the pants. lose the hair.

see.

I hope you’re having a lovely time.

The Murdermuffin Post-it