I need to make this happen now. I’ve been flirting with it for years, but I need to become someone who isn’t moved by what’s going on outside. My periods of sanity in this way have been longer and more complete as of the last year, certainly, but there are still days, 1 or 2 days per 1-2 months, where I am moved in ways I don’t want to be. Text is the trigger for me. Text I think is ludicrous. Maybe it’s because I spend much of my time, and that my work is, making the text on my screen correct, proper, that when improper text invades my screen (due to absolutely ridiculous, incomplete logic by the person writing it), it sets me off. And it can take me an hour, or a day, or a couple days, to recover. I don’t want to spend even 1 day per 2 months in such a state.
I know how to fix this, I just have to do it. I simply have to allow myself to not interact with people, which people I don’t want to interact with. I deserve to do that. I don’t owe it to anyone that I communicate with them. If for whatever reason I don’t want to listen, I don’t have to listen. I know that intellectually. I need to get it from the mind to the fingers. Give myself the space to have exactly who I want…in my life. And then, I won’t have to react against people who wear me out, because I won’t be listening to them—and so they won’t be taking from me. I’m trying to affirm within myself that this is okay. Not listening to people, not having people in my life, isn’t hateful. It’s a reasonable thing to do, to protect my state. I don’t owe anyone anything. It’s okay to not include everyone.