I envision this : heading off to London to think for a while. To write, relax, and buy some things. To travel by myself, to say, “Dad, I need my passport.” Thank you.
First, I laugh at the excessive camaraderie of the bands. I live band, eat band, fuck, sweat, and sleep band. Second, I complete yesterday’s writing. As my mind for an instant teased me, neither of my anticipated decisions needed to be made. The cheese wasn’t serving, and by the time we got back to her room, Amy and I were so tired we just went to sleep. Plus we were sleeping in her bed in the same room with two of her roommates. I am glad to have had yesterday’s chance for reflection, however; these delays are temporary.
Recognizing my tendency toward extremism, I have come to several points of thought which make sense for me. I do not want to drink or get drunk, because these things are not ecological or economical. It is a bad use of resources for me to spend money on alcohol, and it does not serve the other components of my life to drink. By this same basis I have decided to get more sleep than I did last week; I don’t want to focus so much on the product that I kill my production capability (Covey). Both are important. Next, I do not want to be involved in a physical relationship with Amy. Or Sarah. Or Nadja. Or Megan. Or Erica. Or Jessica. Now here I am trying to check my extremism. I recognize that I go through phases where I do want this kind of physical relationship and phases where I do not. After intensity with Janel, I felt very opposed to sex…in an extreme manner. I said that I wasn’t going to do any of it again, or at least for a long time. But how easy it is to say, when satisfied, that you will not need or desire further satisfaction.
It’s important to treat people nice. Or : relationships are important. I realize at the close of this day, feeling slightly poovey about many things, that it is certain that I should write, and maintain my relationships with Amy, my parents, etc. Actually I’m trying to be to noble about this. To boil it down, Amy gave me a hat and a card for my birthday, and I am thankful for her attention. It is valuable, people’s attention. All of the things I value are based on personal care and attention; love, relationships…I think that’s it. Connection between people. When I am down even that still seems worthwhile, valuable. And that’s what happened tonight. I was down and Amy cheered me up.