I am going to play; I am going to be a child.

I just got off the phone with Nadja Frank; she called me to respond to my email about leaving OU. It is good to talk with a friend.

I am beginning a new part of my life. I am going to be hopeful and creative, going to relax peacefully into being who I am intrinsically. I am going to comfortably enjoy what I enjoy doing, and do so with passion. I am going to play; I am going to be a child. I am going to flourish with ease.

Life should be fun, it should not wear a person out unnecessarily. It should renew me daily instead of draining. I go now to do my piece in the world, mustering the creativity and playfulness of my childhood.

I am going to play; I am going to be a child.

She kissed me

I am in a very good mood today, save for being a little tired physically. I had a good night with AC last night, slept with her, got up early to play pool, and have been attending my classes since.

After lunch I went upstairs to get my socks from AC’s room and she kissed me. We lingered for a little while before I said I had to go back to real life. Don’t you hate real life, I said, I hate real life. And yes, when compared to the fantastic, impossibly good, and when the same expectations are applied to the real as to the fantastic, the real can seem pale and lifeless; but I don’t feel that way now—life seems fine and bright, lovely daytime. Course, I look forward to night when it comes.

Here it is, the transition is upon me. The movement from one place to another. Tonight AC asked me the specifics about which days of spring break I’ll be in Philadelphia. Turns out she’ll be working the days I won’t be gone, but that’s okay. The most important thing in that little interchange is that she’s thinking of our relationship as something that’s going to last, for a while. Good, so am I. I have enjoyed the daytime today, reveled in its brightness, been ecstatic with the bonds between Ashley and me…and I told her so, told her I thought things were going wonderful… She said she loved waking up with me this morning, and that of course reminds me of Nadja, her saying how she thought it would be wonderful to lie with me forever…to sleep and wake up in the same bed…Ashley and I have done that. A different kind of connection exists with AC than it did with Nadja, but a strong one nonetheless. God, I must not underestimate the effects of such living language on AC or myself. We are creating great security for each other, finding in each great comfort and certainty.

The difference in the connection lies partially in the things each of the women and I have in common—the things we talk about. Whereas Nadja and I talked about mathematics and poetry, Ashley and I talk about acting, film, and fortune. There are wonderful things about both of these people, and I feel I could/will have lasting relationships with both of them. I know some of my writing is against this, but who cares? It is fun to compare and contrast. Ashley and I are sexually more mature…there is more of a give and take than with Nadja. Nadja wanted to pleasure me, and did touch me and kiss me in my ears and even lick my nipples, but AC makes me stop pleasuring her to enjoy the feeling that she is causing in me.

She kissed me

Trying to check my extremism

I envision this : heading off to London to think for a while. To write, relax, and buy some things. To travel by myself, to say, “Dad, I need my passport.” Thank you.

First, I laugh at the excessive camaraderie of the bands. I live band, eat band, fuck, sweat, and sleep band. Second, I complete yesterday’s writing. As my mind for an instant teased me, neither of my anticipated decisions needed to be made. The cheese wasn’t serving, and by the time we got back to her room, Amy and I were so tired we just went to sleep. Plus we were sleeping in her bed in the same room with two of her roommates. I am glad to have had yesterday’s chance for reflection, however; these delays are temporary.

Recognizing my tendency toward extremism, I have come to several points of thought which make sense for me. I do not want to drink or get drunk, because these things are not ecological or economical. It is a bad use of resources for me to spend money on alcohol, and it does not serve the other components of my life to drink. By this same basis I have decided to get more sleep than I did last week; I don’t want to focus so much on the product that I kill my production capability (Covey). Both are important. Next, I do not want to be involved in a physical relationship with Amy. Or Sarah. Or Nadja. Or Megan. Or Erica. Or Jessica. Now here I am trying to check my extremism. I recognize that I go through phases where I do want this kind of physical relationship and phases where I do not. After intensity with Janel, I felt very opposed to sex…in an extreme manner. I said that I wasn’t going to do any of it again, or at least for a long time. But how easy it is to say, when satisfied, that you will not need or desire further satisfaction.

It’s important to treat people nice. Or : relationships are important. I realize at the close of this day, feeling slightly poovey about many things, that it is certain that I should write, and maintain my relationships with Amy, my parents, etc. Actually I’m trying to be to noble about this. To boil it down, Amy gave me a hat and a card for my birthday, and I am thankful for her attention. It is valuable, people’s attention. All of the things I value are based on personal care and attention; love, relationships…I think that’s it. Connection between people. When I am down even that still seems worthwhile, valuable. And that’s what happened tonight. I was down and Amy cheered me up.

Trying to check my extremism

College Fuckfest

So she’s “seeing” this guy at college and she sends me email about college being a fuckfest but I’m not a jealous ex-boyfriend, no. “Will I see you on Sunday?” she asks tonight, meaning will she see me at Ohio University when she goes up there with Jacque on Sunday. The quarter starts. Nadja says we should write more email this time with an expression that I am pleased to say contained certain elements of nostalgia. Not a jealous boyfriend. But curious as to whether she thinks I am the best (so far), hoping that she does think so. Because I happen to think that about her, even though I honestly feel no immediate physical attraction to her. I do happen to think that given all the plusses and minuses in our relationship that that relationship is the most substantial of its kind in my life (so far). And sure, I’ve got this Amy fling at school, but she’s not like Nadja though she is immediate. I mean, maybe it’s cruel (I don’t really think so) but I do sort of hold Amy mentally at bay, valuing what is present in that relationship but never thinking : this is more suited for me than that. And, perhaps “naturally” I desire the same for Nadja, or at the very least wonder if it’s true. Is there lasting value in our relationship, from Nadja’s point of view? I think I can (at least partially) answer my own question. Nadja does see lasting value in our relationship. That was a sort of longing I sensed in her expression tonight. After Tim had left, she sprawled back on her parents’ couch, me leaning back in a chair across the room, nobody else home…I got up to leave only a few minutes after Tim had gone, and I feel her expressions support my fancy that she wished I would stay longer, in that way of wishing which half-wishes below the surface of complete conscious awareness, believing also half-consciously that the object of its desire shall not be reached anyway, and so when I left I believe her reaction was that of a sigh. She got up and followed me to the door, letting me out of her house with a hug. And her parting verbalizations were intentionally douce…purposefully soft and endearing, as we parted ways once more. She remained within, and I padded into the coolness of a winter’s night.

College Fuckfest

I write when I am confused,

or at least sometimes it is because I am confused that I write, and now is one of those times. Things change. I am back from college for a while, and I just saw Nadja. We were together with Tim and Jacque. And it was very exciting to see Nadja again, but also confusing. I mean, where do we stand? We’ve been living in different worlds for so long…she is one of my favorite people. I love her. I want to spend time with her. I will call her tomorrow and suggest that we get together. I want that. Okay.

I write when I am confused,