I am glad to hear you know supportive friends in your desert lands. I regularly think of you in wonder and hope.
My own kingdom is at once busy and lazy.
I am doing some menial labor for a local company (assembling paper reports) so that I can eat. Soon, I will start a job where I can work more hours or make more per hour, as I desire to refund those who have lent me money over the past year. Other than that, I do not feel remis on any debt I have to the world.
I have been reading much, reading much philosophy, much history, and some literature. I find comfort, as I know, as a reader of books, you must, in conferring with certain sages through their words alone.
I am in a writing zone, producing text (did you get the play I sent?), and thinking much, as usual. Writing is part of my gift and my duty, I know, and this year, more than ever before, I have written. That part of me is as it should be, and, feeling that, I now harbor a fierce protection of that goodness.
So I am busy with these creative acts, but I am also lazy, spending the majority of my time walking and thinking, and wandering around this city, watching people, exploring, just catching a train and seeing where it goes, expecting to find my way back if I so decide. And taking baths, which for me is meditation.
I feel centered in myself in a way that I can best describe as the way I was centered before Rebecca died. I am not the same as I was before then. I am much changed indeed. But there was a quality of my life then that made me okay with my balance of life and activities. I feel much akin to that okayness now, and I feel strong, and in touch with myself. And, as I’m sure you know, that has nothing to do with any specific outward action or accomplishment, or costume, or setting, or trapping, or relationship (except for the relationship with self).
I have erased my web sites because I no longer wish to communicate with strangers in an intimate way. For a while I specifically set out to communicate with them in that way, because I liked the idea that no truth of mine needed to be hidden. I still hold to that…there is no truth of my life that needs to hide for shame or fear. But I feel that it is wasteful for me to spend time on communicating and connecting with most people in that way. Astrea asked if I was shutting out the world. I suppose what I am doing is redefining what my world is, what is this part of my world and what is that part of my world, and how I will participate with this or that part.
You spoke of the Mirroracle. I want to tell you (or maybe I already have) that the Order and the Chaos has been leading me around the library, leading me to read subjects on exorcism and related things. All of that is something that you and I will have time to talk and act through in the future.
It will be a time before we stand side-by-side again, Laughter Love. Until then, I cherish our letters,
As for ********, I don’t have his address. M********’s is ********, though, and I’m sure she would know.