As I fill intentionally, I must intentionally empty

Today I meditated by the pool for six hours.  My meditation was sitting, being alone, listening to music on my headphones, and letting the waves of my thoughts turn into ripples, then into calm and stillness.  Then, after a long time, in the space that was created by stillness, new thoughts came.  The most profound, for me, is this:

as I fill intentionally, I must intentionally empty

I have spent much of my life, and each day I continue to spend much of my life, filling my mind with thoughts: reading, constructing, playing, programming, conversing, debating, theorizing, writing.  I am intentional about how I fill—in this case—my mind.  I keep up, I keep active, I keep full in that way.  Today I devoted time to intentionally emptying.

I need to keep a balance between the two; they work together, like expanding and contracting do in a muscle.  If only expanding or only contracting, the muscle is of little use.  I need to put this into practice, with (at least) my mind, as it has to do with emptying and filling.

As I fill intentionally, I must intentionally empty

Periods of no results

Reminder to self: there are great periods of no results, sometimes, between periods of results. Those times are wonderful, in a pure, silent way: times when there is no “justification” for the work by way of a recognizable product. Pure because in those times the work is done as a meditation, for its intrinsic value, or: just because that is what you do.

Periods of no results

Dear Shringara,

I am glad to hear you know supportive friends in your desert lands. I regularly think of you in wonder and hope.

My own kingdom is at once busy and lazy.

I am doing some menial labor for a local company (assembling paper reports) so that I can eat. Soon, I will start a job where I can work more hours or make more per hour, as I desire to refund those who have lent me money over the past year. Other than that, I do not feel remis on any debt I have to the world.

I have been reading much, reading much philosophy, much history, and some literature. I find comfort, as I know, as a reader of books, you must, in conferring with certain sages through their words alone.

I am in a writing zone, producing text (did you get the play I sent?), and thinking much, as usual. Writing is part of my gift and my duty, I know, and this year, more than ever before, I have written. That part of me is as it should be, and, feeling that, I now harbor a fierce protection of that goodness.

So I am busy with these creative acts, but I am also lazy, spending the majority of my time walking and thinking, and wandering around this city, watching people, exploring, just catching a train and seeing where it goes, expecting to find my way back if I so decide. And taking baths, which for me is meditation.

I feel centered in myself in a way that I can best describe as the way I was centered before Rebecca died. I am not the same as I was before then. I am much changed indeed. But there was a quality of my life then that made me okay with my balance of life and activities. I feel much akin to that okayness now, and I feel strong, and in touch with myself. And, as I’m sure you know, that has nothing to do with any specific outward action or accomplishment, or costume, or setting, or trapping, or relationship (except for the relationship with self).

I have erased my web sites because I no longer wish to communicate with strangers in an intimate way. For a while I specifically set out to communicate with them in that way, because I liked the idea that no truth of mine needed to be hidden. I still hold to that…there is no truth of my life that needs to hide for shame or fear. But I feel that it is wasteful for me to spend time on communicating and connecting with most people in that way. Astrea asked if I was shutting out the world. I suppose what I am doing is redefining what my world is, what is this part of my world and what is that part of my world, and how I will participate with this or that part.

You spoke of the Mirroracle. I want to tell you (or maybe I already have) that the Order and the Chaos has been leading me around the library, leading me to read subjects on exorcism and related things. All of that is something that you and I will have time to talk and act through in the future.

It will be a time before we stand side-by-side again, Laughter Love. Until then, I cherish our letters,
zha

As for ********, I don’t have his address. M********’s is ********, though, and I’m sure she would know.

Dear Shringara,

Keep looking at it.

Continue staying there. Be unrelenting in applying pressure to the pain. When the right song comes around, put the player on repeat. Press through stages. Zoom in. Zoom out. Move over slightly. Zoom in again. When moment presents itself, allow self to integrate with moment. When something of interest comes across, allow it to become something of sphere, allow something of sphere to become something of self, something of self to become something of gravity, something of gravity to become something of depth. Surprise become delight, delight become ecstasy. Spark become tingle, tingle become wave. Wave become oceans. Oceans cover globe. Allow slightest discomfort to give way to decided trouble, decided trouble give way to distinct pain, distinct pain give way to unbearable torture. Only then I know I hurt, only then I can bleed through it, breathe through it, wash myself of it, purge, drown, sweat, expel. Only after the black hole collapse, crush of weight, can I truly be of air, weightless, no border between other and self, water in water, space in space, breath in breath, motion in motion, chaos in chaos, body in body, light in light…

The Second Monkey teaches that pain cannot be salved by circumvention. Numbing pain never makes it go away. Only after going though it, on the other side, is there beauty, peace, fullness. Only after the terror of chaos comes tranquility, stillness. So it is that depth lies on the other side of pressing; that ecstasy is the millionth rushing ocean wave, the first of which is only a tickle…

Keep looking at it.

breathe

breathe in as deeply as possible

breathe out as fully as that

wait until you are ready to breathe in again

breathe in as completely as you can

wait until you are through breathing in

wait until you are ready to breathe out

breathe out completely

be still

breathe in completely

be still

breathe out completely

be still

breathe in completely

breathe

breathe