She’s having a baby soon. Her husband is wonderful. I love them all very much and look forward to our next (or in one case, first) visit.
I feel like all I need to do to be happy is not have a job, eat a serrano pepper (or something equally spicy), run for an hour, and write about two-thousand words. And listen to music I love. And be around one (or more) of my favorite people. And, yeah, that’s it.
Sort of through the back door, I’ve been working on my self-esteem. By not talking with Dad, by blocking his email, my self-esteem has improved! I don’t want that to be the case but apparently what I want doesn’t determine reality, and I’m trying to be a bit realistic. I’ve had a lot of help from the outside in developing self-hatred, because that has served others’ interests. By limiting (eliminating) my communication with Dad and several others, and by running each day, and by listening to good stroking comments from Mom, my self-esteem has improved. It’s also about, for me, not using external events, other events, to determine that I am not ok…Pragmatic has nothing to do with my okness, Rusty has nothing to do with my okness, the country has nothing to do with my okness. Basically, it’s committing to the idea that I’m ok no matter what…or, at most, that my okness rests on alternatives that I can fully choose…that the only factors that can affect it are factors that I can fully control. I would like to continue this trend: to feel good about myself so that I can do what I can do more happily. I will continue writing and programming and relating to people and doing the things that I do, and I want to, while I do them, feel good about myself and be happy.
I love being outside, and it’s great to get a break from computers, but I grew up like this. The screens were smaller, the processors were vastly slower, but this is what I do. I’ve been programming since I was 7, writing since I was 8, it just feels natural to be tapping away, with a C compiler in one window and a blog in the other, writing something, coding something, this is what I do.