One of my disillusionments is this:

When I was a child, I thought the world was a place where I would be able to find someone, somewhere, I would be able to work for, who I could trust. I don’t believe that anymore.

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One of my disillusionments is this:

Guidelines for job search

Don’t ever talk about it with any family members.  I’m not interested in having any interchange between my family and my next job.  I want to maintain communication with Suzanne, Amy, Mom.  But I don’t want any talk about where I work, where I live, etc.  Need some space, going to make it.

Next, I need maximum salary.  Don’t compromise on salary this time.  I need the maximum salary they can offer or that I need to feel good about it, whichever is higher, and if there’s a mismatch there, then politely decline the collaboration.

Next, don’t take it as a sign about my own worth.  If someone declines my offer, it doesn’t mean anything about me, and I won’t take it to mean anything, I’ll just deal with it logistically and move on.

I can be happy regardless of this activity, regardless of any of it—and I choose to be happy.

I keep my zen throughout.  I can take rejection, I get rejection letters all the time on my book, and I’m going to publish it someday, and those rejections are no sign that my book will not be huge.  What matters for me, for my spirit, is to cultivate my own meditative energy and state in my life, regardless of others’ reception, opinion, or position.

Guidelines for job search

talked with Peter on the phone tonight

I called him and told him he’s going to pay me for the 1/2 salary months, whether he likes it or not, and that if he doesn’t do it voluntarily that we can do it legally.  I did preliminary research that seems like I have a defensible position.  I don’t care too much how that goes, but it was good to talk with him.  I yelled at him, I told him he has my vote of no-confidence, I got stuff off my chest.  He stayed on the phone even while I yelled at him.  (I didn’t yell, but I spoke directly and tensely and raised my voice.)  I feel better about things.  I need to remember this moment.  I let him know how screwed over by him that I felt, and let him know how frustrated I am that the project we talked about “didn’t go anywhere”.  He insisted that it’s not dead in the water.  I reminded him (and he agreed) that I have more inference development power in my hand right now than his company has right now.  He said he’s afraid to read my email because they depress him, and make him feel horrible.  And I admitted that that’s what they’re designed to do.  But I don’t want him to feel horrible.  But I need him to know how his actions have affected me, how I feel about them.  And I feel right now that he does.  That’s the part I need to remember.  Because remembering that, I don’t need him to feel bad, don’t want him to feel bad, even want things to go well for him…at least I don’t want them to go badly.  He said he let Jody go, that Michael is still there, that Josh is offsite doing Army work.  I want to let it go.  The conversation tonight was needed, for me, and for him too it seems.  I like Peter, and I’m sorry for the eventual evolution of our relationship, and I’m glad we had this talk.  I wrote him, after, “Thank you for staying on the phone with me tonight [even though I started the conversation by letting him have it]. You didn’t have to do that, I appreciate it, I consider it a favor, or a gesture, and it means a lot to me.” He wrote back, “It helped me too to get to talk to you. Thanks.” The air is clearer, clear enough; I let this go tonight.

talked with Peter on the phone tonight