Bad dreams due to eating cheese nachos before bed.
Got lost driving with Mom today but we ended up at a beautiful diner and had a cheesesteak. The metaphor is that it’s not necessary to know what life’s journey will be before it happens, but that you might end up someplace beautiful all the same.
I want to remember that, and live by it. I don’t need to know what might happen in the future, I don’t need to concern myself with it, I don’t need to know the path, I need to walk the path (only). Walk the path, don’t worry about knowing the path :: know that it is not required that I know the path…and knowing the path is not a necessary condition for the path leading to someplace beautiful. I worry that I need to plan my life correctly so that I can ensure that the end is something proper, something ok. But I don’t. I can trust that the path can end up somewhere wonderful without my knowing it beforehand. As I’ve said to people at times, I need to remember: that no one knows what’s going to happen next…the only difference between people in that regard is that some people think they do (know what’s going to happen next). I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and planning doesn’t change that…if I plan well, that will not make it so that I know that my life will go according to plan. So dispense with the planning, and the knowing. Just walk, one step at a time. And one step at a time means look at the current node, and the nodes connected directly to it via one link. Concern yourself with those nodes…definitely not the nodes two links away–because once you go to the next node, its connected nodes will be determined *then*. They are not determined now, they cannot be predicted now, modeled now, planned for now, approached from here, they don’t exist except in theories. Look at the current node and nodes connected to it by one link; deal with that, and that only.
aware of all the textual interwovenness, capable of sorting all the broadcast monochrome faces, to you, when I enter your office we all agree I am seeking your advice, plush strawberry greenscreen, and now you think I’m off the edge, but really I introduced that syntax to filter you out, rainbowcolor silk pushing directionally this or that, watching to see which direction is your eye twitch, au contraire, this whole thing constructed to monitor *your* awareness, I know you’re thinking about why I did what I did, that’s why I did it, I am like a tiger in a zoo, ‘cept I opened the zoo just so you would drop %10 to come and see me, that way I can observe you better, innocence, not, brownyellow, teeth, afraid of nonsense, you, syntactic sugaerpye, 320×200, mmm, hmmm, mmmhmmm, remember moments then mapping sets onto smaller sets amateurs consolidating all of mathematics onto set mapping problems in small city coffeehouses I know what you’re trying to do but beware the trap of summary speech summary thought confetti is easy to vacuum did you write this high did you write this drunk I drink volvic motherfucker in your sobrest hour you wouldn’t imagine the plainness of my height, your farthest gone wouldn’t hold a teacup to my shakeless sobriety, when you think I’m off the end I am playing with you in boredom so be offended, in love, don’t mistake smugness for success, don’t mistake invention for interest, don’t mistake procedure for deity, don’t mistake construction for transcendence, don’t mistake confidence for quality, don’t mistake laughter for audience, don’t mistake interpretation for wanting, don’t mistake code for handshake, don’t mistake wygglemuffyn h. brownstar for a naturally-blonde o.u. co-ed, mistake not abbreviation for brevity, mistake not inaccuracy for censorship and know that she worked in the frost in burrito buggies scarfpale 3.4 stretchygygglestyck bk doub whp chs hvy chs every byte researched, what is it that you cannot look up on google? that’s what you should be thinking about tonight, everything that cannot be looked up on google, like, what do they call it when you order extra cheese on a whopper at burger king? if you’ve ever worked at burger king you certainly know: “heavy cheese” :a googlesearch for “heavy cheese burger king” only returns 140 results but how many people know and think about this arcane fact (more than 140×1000), you need to develop a repertoire of things to search for that nobody knows, whenever everyone searches for something bodies materialize to satisfy them, what does everyone know that no one asks about? what is no one asking about? what are the terms in which no one is asking or saying a goddamn thing? “mad props” to foucault for asking this last question, pretty much the only interesting one to be posed for a long time
I would kill for a cheesesteak right now. Give me Two Street. South philly.
June, among other roles, plays the role of Cheese Girl at 818 in Toluca Lake, a wine bar Jay and I go to. June has a tattoo of the Chili’s pepper riding a unicycle; this is on her ankle. If you know me you know cheese is my favorite food…so the initial attraction should be obvious: June, as a cheese expert and cheese server, is basically like my drug dealer. Except the cheese connection isn’t the only thing cool about June. For instance last night we were trying to come up with cheese anagrams: rearrange some of the letters in the name of one kind of cheese to come up with the name of another kind of cheese. June was at a distinct advantage, and she did come up with one example on the spot. June is getting married, so that’s off-limits, and (though I like girls as much as anyone could) I enjoy the brother/sister-like vibe that happens there. Maybe it’s because I grew up with two sisters: I can and do enjoy platonic relationships with women. Talking with June (and Jay and Z (another Z—there are 3 now)) last night after June came around to “our side” of the bar, reminded me of being with brothers and sisters.
Also, June pronounces puma “peeuuuuma” and movie “meeuuuuveee”, which I can’t get over:
—Are you gonna make this into a meeuuuuveee?
—(I pinch my upturned nose) It smells like a peeuuuuma in here.
What can I say? That it’s a trip to sit, completely stopped, in traffic, at 6:30 in the morning. That I supremely enjoy my half-hour traffic conference calls with my friend. That it’s ok to be weird? That today the sandwich shop misheard me and made a sausage, egg, and cheese English muffyn. instead of a bacon, egg, and cheese one, and I’m ok with that, I like the random introduction of variety. Or, maybe, that I love a day when I get to talk to not one but four or five or my favorite people. Or maybe Prince’s lyric: “I got two sides, and they both friends”. Maybe that sums it up for me today, sums up the whole shebang, in a poetry I never would have thought of, but that I love to listen to.