10 december 2005
Tried heroin and watched Seven while tripping on LSD with Mike. Went to Vegas and blew too much money gambling. Officially evicted from the Alto Nido. Checked into a weekly-rates hotel, laid on the bed, and cried.
Three more months of school. Just about enough money to live in this hotel and eat for the duration of school, but then I’ll be out of cash by the time school ends, which could make the transition from school to working tricky. Unless I work some during this next term, which may be a possibility, especially if I can get some part-time software development work that I can do from the coffeehouse (using their internet connection). I’ve entertained the idea of stopping school now and going back to work full time doing software stuff somewhere locally. I could very likely find such a job and transition into it before my money runs out if I start looking now and am available for full-time onsite work now, but that would mean possibly not finishing school. Not sure which is better. Thoughts of finding a gallery that would sell my photos or drawings. Thoughts of spending time in this hotel working on screenplays. Thoughts of going to New York to find film work there, as I could probably live more cheaply there and the public transit system is much better. Can I find a full-time job working for someone like Roger Corman? Or doing commercials or music videos or working as an assistant to someone who does?
12 november 2005
Dreams of being unable to walk due to dysfunctional legs, knee problems, pain. Dreams of wonderful sex being interrupted by rain (which is a symbol of grief for me). You and I making love in our car, shielding ourselves with plastic under the ambush of a storm.
14 october 2005
And it’s okay if my only project is my current film. That is enough to keep me busy, that it’s not necessary to be writing anything else while I’m working on a film. It is worthwhile to spend time reading poetry, and I need not feel pressure to be creating more than one thing at a time. During a project, while not working on it that moment, I can entertain myself, exercise, relax, feed my body with food and my brain with information, or use it to survey the art of others.
I surrender peace to everyone I’ve ever known. The past is past; I release it fully so that I may be fully open to the offerings of the present moment. I release myself from any need to dwell on past things so that I can be light-hearted in the now. I release my grip on ideas of what the future must hold, so that I’m not blinded from the actual by my ideals. I erase my thought-up limitations on possibility, for myself, for everyone and everything. I am ready to be surprised by what happens next, by what is happening now. I am ready to recognize and respond to the now. I am open to change, to the unexpected, to the unanticipated, to the impossible.
And I release myself from my own ideas of who I am, of who I am based on who I have been, so that every moment I am free to become someone new.
5 january 2005
Two dreams last night. Both recurring. In the first, I’m crippled by the fact that one leg is longer than the other (the right leg) and that makes it awkward and difficult to walk. I’m going from the parking lot to the grocery store (Meijer) and walking around the store, trying to do normal things, but I can’t because of my legs and my frame of mind. First, I walk into the wrong store by accident. Once in Meijer, I can’t remember what I’m looking for, and of course moving around the store is difficult. Dream that I can’t do normal things because I’m crippled, or different.
Second dream: like the many dreams of old, and of late, that I’m riding the subway but am unable to get off at the stop I want to because of stuff I’m traveling with. In the earliest incarnations of this dream, my Lego’s are spread out all over the car and there’s not time to collect them all before the doors close me away from my stop. In a recent one, I was carrying a large oblong thing that wouldn’t fit through the doors: the choice is: keep the thing, or exit at the stop I want, either one but not both. Last night I was traveling with others, and I had packed too much baggage (bookbags, suitcases, portfolios)…also, I was carrying baggage for others I was with. In the other dreams before, I stay on the train. In this one, I managed to remove all the baggage (it took two trips between the subway train doors) and exit the train. It was so much stuff that I wouldn’t be able to effectively go around the city with it all, but I at least left the train at the stop I wanted. Dream about the dynamics of traveling light (or not).
5 december 2004
Funny to read the Softronics-related entry from February below…I was just laid off from Softronics. And unfortunately, I spent most of this year butting my head against the wall there. Now I’m wondering if being with Rishi is going to work long-term…something I’ve wondered before and, before, decided no. I love her, I think she’s beautiful, but I see signs that she may never be happy in life. We’ve talked of moving to England, but she wants to be established as a rich/famous writer/philosopher before she does that, so that–to paraphrase her–some impeccable liberal school will take care of all the details, pay for her house, trip, etc. I hope that she does reach her dream of being a celebrated writer/philosopher, but I don’t believe in living life by waiting for something great to happen to you first, before you start doing what you want. I also don’t want to be a part of moving her somewhere new, as she moved to Dayton recently to be with me, and she continually mentions having moved so much as a reason why she hasn’t gotten more writing done. I point out to her that she doesn’t have to move, and that if writing is such a high priority, that she should be more defensive about maintaining the circumstances she needs in order to write. I wish she would just write–stop fiddling with her computer desktop to make it *perfect* and just write. She says in DC she never got around to writing because she couldn’t get her computer set up right; I think she should have just gone to the thrift store and bought a $5 typewriter. But she thinks things have to be perfect before she starts working, and that belief in a potential long-term partner scares me…I think if you do that you’ll be dead before you start. I don’t want to spend a large part of my life around someone who isn’t happy because she’s too fixated on preparing the circumstances for her work that she may not actually get to her work. I’m worried that might be the case here.
If I wasn’t with Rishi what would I do now (given that I just lost my job here)? Would I stay in Dayton? Would I go in with Suzanne and her friend on their house in Brooklyn idea? Would I try to do the 4-month contract in Akron and during that time work toward becoming a UK citizen, then move there to work? Would I move to LA and try to get into film work? Would I move back to Tucson, get a bum job, and hide out in the warm weather? Would I, while doing some other work for money, work on starting my own business? No matter what, I’m going to continue working on Snowbunny, then send samples to agents; that’s definitely my primary project now. If I had no ties to Rishi, and wasn’t considering her needs at the moment, what would I do next? I believe I’d either try to go in with Suzanne, et. al. on a house in Brooklyn, write and get some sort of job there, or I’d look at this Akron contract or some other fairly local contracting work to save money while I worked on getting permission to work in the UK, then, once there, work toward residency, citizenship. I know I don’t want to be in Dayton forever…now’s as good a time as any to think about getting out.
I care about Rishi, and I don’t want to abandon her. I wish she was stronger on her own, or that she had friends or family she could rely on (aside from me)…as it is, if she and I break up, she’ll be almost completely alone in the world. That’s a horrible pressure, to be intimate with someone who has otherwise isolated herself from the world.
I’m sad about this last period in Dayton. I’ve spent a year and a half building a life here, building a place to live, getting furniture, kitchen stuff, setting up a cozy place to live, and working toward a future with a company I hoped would grow. Now I feel displaced, wondering if I’ll be here much longer, not sure what to do next.
3 march 2004
Katherine points out that I generalize: one bad experience with a college and I think that all college is worthless, two saddening/disappointing romances in a row and I think that all romances will go that way. I think she’s right to suggest that I generalize too much.
25 feb 2004
I’m addicted to movies, I had to stop myself from drinking because I was drinking too much and I’m not doing anything useful with my life. Also: I’m not motivated by the pursuit of sex, the preparation of food, or the promise of meeting new friends.
24 feb 2004
Why do I continue to butt my head against the wall at Softronics? I make suggestions about how things could be done better, what I think needs to be done, etc., and I’ve demonstrated my willingness to work beyond the usual hours to make these things happen–but I get very little positive feedback from Ray and given the position he’s in there I’m hesitant to spend a lot of time working on something that he’s not on board with. I was excited when Ray was talking seriously about making a game, but we’ve stopped talking about that as though we’re serious about it, and if it’s just going to be me working on it, then I don’t plan to pretend that it’s a Softronics project–in that case I’ll just do it myself.