I asked you, in the midst of our discussion at the burger place on Guadalupe, if you understood how your insistence on the immediate continuance of leaving-Austin business, against my desire to resume that business the next day, felt like an unreasonable disregard of me. Whether we bought a car that day or the next day or never, is not what I cared about. What I cared about, is that when I asked you if you knew that the way you were proceeding in the discussion would cause me pain, you said yes, that you were fully aware of that and that you had chosen to proceed that way anyway, at the hope of causing us to leave Austin a maximum of three days sooner than we otherwise would have left. The ordering of value that that decision indicated to me was intolerable. I do understand what it is like to need, not want, but need, to leave surroundings that are detrimental to your vitality, when there is the possibility of going from that place to even the hope of a better environment. I do not understand what sense it can ever possibly make to intentionally sacrafice a level of respect that says it is more important to proceed in ways that don’t specifically disragard a friend’s feelings than it is to proceed with that disregard in the hope of altering the traveling schedule slightly in one direction. Do I also see how a period of three days in Austin was a much longer period for you than for me? Yes. Do I see the glaring similarities between my own course of action and the crime I am accusing you of? Yes: I left you with no word of my complaint or intention, there was I totally disrespectful to you; I left you in a situation that I’m sure was extremely unpleasant from many points of view, a situation for whose every aspect I cannot take credit for, but whose nature would not have been exacerbated to the level it was without me doing what I did. Do I realize what a chasm there is between you and I because of that event? I do. Do you realize what a chasm I saw, the moment you told me you were intentionally disregarding me in an attempt to slightly shift our departure date? I would assume a position of doubtfulness as to whether that is what you said, but I cannot reasonably do so, as I asked you specifically, and in multiple ways, if that is what you were doing, while we talked at the burger joint. The reason I asked so pointedly then, is that I could not believe that you would actually answer yes. When you did, I felt the beginning of an enormous chasm whose magnitude, as I look back on that moment, has only seemed to grow. Do not hear in this, however, that I am trying to make it seem like I was victimized by you and that I am saying that you hurt me and asking for apology or anything like that. If that is what I had wanted, at any time, I would have taken an entirely different course of action. In the mild form, I would have used the power of having the car cash in my pocket as a gun that forced you to wait until the next day for us to buy a vehicle. In the exteme form, I would have returned to Llano with you and then staged a power struggle wherein I said, “I will not travel with Julian, because he has offended me. I am leaving westward, anyone but Julian is welcome to come along.” I think you know about me that that is the last thing, or very nearly close to, the last thing I would ever, ever do. I have no idea whether you would have preferred something like that over what I actually did. I wonder, though, if you think there could have been a productive middle ground. Be assured that I do not. After our conversation of that day, there was already, for me, an impassable chasm between us. How could you, personally, proceed with me if I told you that the arrangements of my travel were more important to me than a reasonable level of respect for your situation, your feelings? At the very least, if that were the case, I would expect that you might conclude that it was inappropriate for us to be traveling partners. I’m not telling you that I think you should have acted differently than you did, but if your exerting your exact traveling plans, the times and dates of car sales, the times and dates of leaving, are more important that exerting the level of respect for me inherent in not attempting to pressuring me to do something in hour x versus hour y, then I won’t travel with you. Simple as that. It did hurt me that you ordered those values the way you did, but it is not for me to tell you how to order your values. To do so, would be to stage a power struggle between me and you, over your mind. Try to tell you what to think? Please… I know that we both know that such a thing would generally be futile in either of our cases. Try to exert a struggle between me and you, with Shringara as the mediator who gets consumed in the process? Aside from finding the idea of such a position viscerally repugnant, it would never be fruitful in an quantum chaotical sense. So why didn’t I just talk to you about it in the morning? What was there to say that would have resulted in something all that different from what happened? I could have said basically what I said just now, except that the crux of it, the part about the way your ordering of values was incompatible with mine, I already said, on the hamburger joint patio. And after I said it, you said what you had to say. It is true that my leaving without a word was very disrespectful to you. I could not bring myself to the point of feeling the need to be respectful of you in that way, after the way in which I felt disrespected by you. How could I talk to you at that point about anything real? What could I say? I did not mind that I was helping to create a situation where it would be easy for people to see the harshess and inconsideration of my course. I hope, to the extent that anyone saw the ugliness of my actions, that it made the whole thing easier to think about. Understand that nowhere among my intentions in mentioning your name while talking with Shringara was the intention of blaming it all on you. I spoke with her in order to advise her of the tragedy and nececcity of my removing myself from the then-current composition of traveling group. As frustrated as I am with this situation, as sad as I am that we have not worked out as well as we thought we might from another point in time, you are one of the people I admire the most and think the most highly of, and when I mention your name in my own head or among others, my purpose is never slander, or anything like it. I mentioned something of our day to Shringara only to try to give her some idea of why I felt it absolutely necessary to remove myself from that group at that time. If word of any other specific mention of our conflict that day has gotten to you, then it is purely the product of the grapevine; I have refused repeated attempts by people I know, and some that we both know, to discover why I left that voyage. I have no interest or plan, after telling Shringara about it that once, to discuss it with anyone except maybe you. I do apologize for being so wordy in this message. I felt it was important to do so. You asked me to tell you a story, and this is the only story I have to tell you. I wanted to be clear in my expression of this, especially since it is through email. I am not asking anything of you, nor am I offering you anything much, except this story. I have no clear idea about what our future might hold. I cannot help but remember when we mused, in high school, what might happen if an axis fought, instead of working together, but know that (perhaps contrary to initial impressions, but certainly not to continued inspection) I have no intention of opposing you in a combative way. I do believe that there is a hydrogen bomb of unrealized potential in our axis. I do not know if both of us will be able to figure out how to release it in this lifetime. Even if we do, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen right away, does it?
I know that in many ways, for many people, I am intolerable as a friend. If I have become that way for you, I will understand.
Regardless, please accept my positive thoughts toward your enterprises, your bond with Acacia, and toward the life you are introducing to the planet. Even if we remain forever at impasse on the issues of our relationship, I hope you know that, at the very least, I will always care about your life, and I will always hope that it is going very well.
Your Motherfucking Twin