Scenario : May 15 comes and I don’t have enough money to pay my dad. He says I must leave the house. Observation : I need to leave the house ASAP anyway because I need to get out of this relationship with my dad. My father is insane. Scenario : I leave my dad on bad terms and my dad, weakened by the divorce of his wife and now his son, commits suicide. Remember the bathtub principle : all you need to operate is yourself. Don’t worry about Dad committing suicide, just do your part to leave on good terms. My dad doesn’t think I am looking ardently enough for a job. He thinks that it’s important for me to know that. I seek to be in a position where I feel validated enough to say that I don’t care what my dad (or anyone) thinks about my actions. I want to have the conversation:
DAD : “I think it’s time that you got yourself a real job. How else will you be certain that you can support yourself?”
ME : “What you think that I should do is more a mental exercise of your fantasy than something to be pondered by me.” (because I’ve got a million in the bank and I can do whatever the hell I want and I certainly don’t have to ask your permission.)
I want the freedom of independence, and the freedom of privacy. I want to travel, and I want to keep secrets. Because where I live or how much money I make or what I do is nobody’s business but mine. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone. I want to pay my dad next week for the month I will have lived here and buy a new car the next day. I want to be debt-free and driving a sporty vehicle. And when people ask me how I made the money I will say, “Just by being myself.” If they ask me how much I made my response will be, “Enough.” And that will be that. Maybe I’ll fly around the world just for fun. Maybe I’ll write or visit friends or make a computer program. I won’t have to tell anybody anything and I’ll be able to be as together or alone as I want. And I’ll finally get some counseling.
Part of the reason I haven’t written (on paper) in so long is that I didn’t have any of these pens, and I really don’t like to write more than a note with a ball point. I should keep a steady supply around; their lack isn’t worth not writing. I am reading a book on transactional analysis which I am rapidly assimilating into my thought. It is very helpful. I am looking for a source of income. The resumes I sent out don’t seem to have gotten me a job. I talked to Heather about my situation and she said that her dad might be able to find something for me to do (he works for some computer place that’s located downtown). That would be nice. I’d like to get some money primarily so I can pay Dad for room and board and begin to pay off my debts…but beyond that, I long for a financial abundance that would enable me to buy a cool car, and a cool place to live. I long to enjoy the privacy and freedom that financial independence would provide. I don’t want to work for someone else for my entire life, and I would like to experience the royalty of having my writing copied over and over millions of times for millions of readers. I want to conceive the thoughts of millions in my bedroom. I also want to afford an hour of counseling per month—week in an effort to help myself attain a more compelling subjective feel. Julian and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, Ashley has some kind of future planned for me and her, and I feel some tension as these two each pull me in their separate ways. Like quintessential quantum chaos with Julian, Matt, and Tuesday…I am in the middle, by default negotiating between my friends’ desireds more than I am searching out my own. I want things to work out for Julian; the touch conclusion right now is that I don’t have the resources to help him. If I had 5K/month to spend, would I pay for his living expenses? Part of me wants to relieve him (and others, in theory) of painful details so that he can pursue his music career, but another part is spawned by the 7 Habits guy, who says that you should never do something that is built upon, encourages, or prolongs another’s weakness. And aside from the question of whether or not Julian has a weakness related to living with people, keeping a job, financial responsibility, etc…he clearly has one as it relates to understanding where my responsibility ends and his begins. I have one as it relates to making commitments that I ultimately will not feel comfortable with. I do not want to marry Julian—meaning, I do not want to feel inextricably linked to his physical movements and project pursuits. We may have different feelings on whether to do, or how to do, a magazine. He may want to move somewhere that I do not. I don’t want to be a part of an insoluble we. I do in the sense of communicative friendship…I want us to mentally hold each other in good standing and enjoy each other’s company…but I don’t want to feel like everything I do I have to check or coordinate with Julian. Certain things are we; certain things are we. Like with Ashley : we agree not to have sex with other people, we agree that we love each other and we agree to give each other ample notice if that is going to change…and in this case too I feel some pressure : like if I decided to move to California today Ashley would possibly feel that our commitment was weakened. I feel that my choices about my location are affected by my relationships, and that (1) I feel stuck between Ashley and Julian (2) I feel stuck between Julian and Matt and I feel that there is the potential for the same situation between Ashley and Matt. That’s the situation. I’m going to bed.
I just got off the phone with Nadja Frank; she called me to respond to my email about leaving OU. It is good to talk with a friend.
I am beginning a new part of my life. I am going to be hopeful and creative, going to relax peacefully into being who I am intrinsically. I am going to comfortably enjoy what I enjoy doing, and do so with passion. I am going to play; I am going to be a child. I am going to flourish with ease.
Life should be fun, it should not wear a person out unnecessarily. It should renew me daily instead of draining. I go now to do my piece in the world, mustering the creativity and playfulness of my childhood.