…butterfly in the sky
I can go twice as high
just take a look
it’s in a book
the Reading Rainbow…
Last night AC and I decided to use a new word to describe out relationship. Now, instead of seeing each other, we are boyfriend/girlfriend. She brought up the point by saying “What would you call us?” and when I suggested that seeing each other was really obsolete and should be replaced by boyfriend/girlfriend she said “Good…that’s what I thought, but I didn’t know if you felt the same way.”
We talked a lot, stayed up all night touching each other. AC and I feel comfortable together. Tomorrow night I’ll meet her parents. It was her idea to stop by EFX next weekend while she’s home and surprise Julian. I told her she was awesome. She told me once again that my hands were amazing. We talked about sex. She asked my what my limits were; “Do you mind if I go down on you? she said. I told her I would like that. She said “Are you sure?” I told her I was sure. She went down on me. Later on, she said “You don’t have to answer this.”—“Go ahead.”—“Have you ever had sex?”—“No. Have you?”—“Once.” And she went on to say that it was with Zach (W—, who lives down the hall in Biddle, the hall I live in. I mentioned Zach in other writing, mostly unfavorable, from last quarter. Zach and I eat dinner together semi-regularly, and show each other our computer art), and that she regretted it some because it meant something to her and it didn’t mean anything to him. We talked about Zach, and she told me that he had tried to commit suicide by shooting himself. She said that if he wasn’t suicidal she would probably be more angry with him. Understandable. She asked me if I was waiting to have sex until I was married. I said no, explaining that I was just naturally very cautious and careful, that I was very aware of small chances like getting AIDS or making someone pregnant, perhaps more aware than the chances deem/necessitate/require…[?]. She made me cum twice in one night and she herself has never had an orgasm. I said “Really?” and she said “So now I’m a charity case…”—“No, not a charity case, but I want you to have one. From now on, that’s my job, okay?”—“That’s a good job for you to have.” She said that last night was the closest she ever came, and that is good, but I want her to feel the top. When I was touching her she kept grabbing my wrist and trying to pull my hand away from her, saying “Stop. Stop it please. You’re driving me insane.” I did stop, eventually. I am thinking about the psychology of having sex with another person. You have to totally submit yourself to the other person, trust them as someone who you can let make you completely powerless. When I cum with AC, convulse and shake, writhe in unbearable good, I am at her mercy. I said that to her one time, “I’m at your mercy.” I don’t think I can have sex with a person I do not trust. Clearly I trust AC; I trust her a whole lot for the length of time we’ve been together. Not that time alone ushers in trust or closeness…but intimacy does take some time. “Twice in one night. And I just want one.” The first half : she said that with a tone of power and satisfaction, and I don’t mind that. It is her job, as she puts it; it is her position to be one with power over me. I don’t mean psychological leveraging power, but simply the power to make me orgasm. And the second half : I want to keep going when I’m driving her insane. When I was doing that to her last night she was clutching me with her arms and legs, grabbing me, biting me, curling her body into mine. I feel like that when she makes me cum, like I’m totally hers, and I want us to feel that way toward each other. Sex to me is a total openness, it is sharing that which is most intimate with someone else. It is giving, relinquishing yourself to another.
Lastly, I am happy because AC and I, both, thank each other for time and energy spent. Thinking of a relationship using that model is wonderful to me.