like get an A in calculus, and be a millionaire, and these things are not things that just happen as a result of sitting back and going with the flow. These are things that require continuous attention, a constant stream of energy. There are demons, ultimately produced by my pattern of thinking, that tell me I cannot accomplish these things. They are doubt. And I wish to get inspired by these demons, to beat these demons. Whenever someone tells me I can’t do something, I know how badly that makes me want to do it, and how determined I become, how tightly I clench my teeth around the object of my desire.
I want to get published. First in small-time literary magazines, then by the giants. Wired, Playboy, Random House, Simon & Schuster. I want to be recognized on a national scale for my writing. I want to write a movie script and watch it play in a big theatre. I want to be involved in the production of a movie. I want to direct. I want to have a place of my own to live, I want to have my own room. I want to own a car of my own. I want to be on the move. I want to be where the action is. I want to work closely with other people. I want to have a muscular body. I want to be very intelligent and knowledgeable. You know how I scored well on those aptitude tests? Well I want to move beyond aptitude. I want to gain ability and experience. And those fucking demons recognize my abilities in math and writing sometimes, and sometimes they doubt them. It’s so confusing. I’m here to get degrees in communication theory and computer science…and not only do they no longer have a degree in communication theory…but this quarter I’m not taking a single class in communication! And my computer class is a piece of shit!
I need to see the bigger picture.
It’s the whole university process that’s important. Don’t get stuck on the triviality of one class. A lot of them are good. Take the best and leave the rest.