There are things I want to do,

like get an A in calculus, and be a millionaire, and these things are not things that just happen as a result of sitting back and going with the flow. These are things that require continuous attention, a constant stream of energy. There are demons, ultimately produced by my pattern of thinking, that tell me I cannot accomplish these things. They are doubt. And I wish to get inspired by these demons, to beat these demons. Whenever someone tells me I can’t do something, I know how badly that makes me want to do it, and how determined I become, how tightly I clench my teeth around the object of my desire.

I want to get published. First in small-time literary magazines, then by the giants. Wired, Playboy, Random House, Simon & Schuster. I want to be recognized on a national scale for my writing. I want to write a movie script and watch it play in a big theatre. I want to be involved in the production of a movie. I want to direct. I want to have a place of my own to live, I want to have my own room. I want to own a car of my own. I want to be on the move. I want to be where the action is. I want to work closely with other people. I want to have a muscular body. I want to be very intelligent and knowledgeable. You know how I scored well on those aptitude tests? Well I want to move beyond aptitude. I want to gain ability and experience. And those fucking demons recognize my abilities in math and writing sometimes, and sometimes they doubt them. It’s so confusing. I’m here to get degrees in communication theory and computer science…and not only do they no longer have a degree in communication theory…but this quarter I’m not taking a single class in communication! And my computer class is a piece of shit!

I need to see the bigger picture.

It’s the whole university process that’s important. Don’t get stuck on the triviality of one class. A lot of them are good. Take the best and leave the rest.

There are things I want to do,

kate

nathan’s girlfriend’s sister
and a jamacian woman named elvira
actually her name wasn’t elvira
and she was from ghanna

so while everyone else’s sitting there
eating chinese stir-fry
and getting an education in ghannan culture
I’m in the dining room talking
to kate
and her fucked-up roommate
who has quite a variety of music
and surprisingly good taste
says kate
better than you would expect

while sipping honey wine
and making strategic eye contacts
with kate
as she sits across the floor
I give her a smile that she can’t resist
then withdraw
pretend to be staring blankly
into space
intent on the conversation
when in fact
I am staring
at her crotch

as if no one would notice
that my mind has left the room
as if it wasn’t obvious
that pretenses were just pretenses
and no one could hear the noises
coming from upstairs
down the hall
take every turn you can possibly take
and you’ll end up where we were
the room is still there
I think
but someone’s made the bed

baking bread
that gets dropped
because the pan was still hot
I was in ghanna at the time
so all I heard was a crash and a yell
and we looked around at each other
and said
what was that?
and then returned to the history lesson

later they were making remarks about eating the bread
about how it might be dangerous
and if I didn’t mind
they asked with a giggle
and a smile
and the assumption that we would remain ignorant to the fact

kate

All heaven and earth may swirl around me,

all insanity and idiocy may taunt me with its hollow voice, all chaos and disorder may attempt to disassemble my unity, but none shall shake the simple peace that I nurture. None in years of cunning deceit will find a foothold on my wall. It will be like polished marble to those who would climb it. When kicked it will turn to sand, dispersing the force of its attackers, pouring out upon a shore whose surface will be met with the rhythm of eternal waves.

There is a trick in understanding. Do not say “I know” or share personal experience relating to another person’s revelation. Allow your understanding to make it possible for you to forgo the need to make literal connections, and make it possible for you to meet that person where they need to be met. Most people will never realize you are doing this. They will appreciate the manner in which you are dealing with them, they will love you for fulfilling their needs, but they will not recognize that this is made possible by a suppleness of interaction, or even if they realize that, will not make the deduction that peaceful suppleness now is the product of the past’s rich experience.

For the meaning and function of things is always changing. What causes you immediate grief will soon provide you with the power to refuge in nastier situations. And what seems most appropriate to do in this moment may soon plague you with regret for senseless action. Never be so limited as to imagine that an objective view will elicit forever your current interpretation. For through time, black becomes white and white fades to black, leaving only darkness which consumes for a day and then dissipates into mist, into clouds, into sky, into brilliance and light.

So do not imagine that the moment is necessarily permanent, for it is as lasting or as fluid as you desire.

All heaven and earth may swirl around me,

I feel out of control of my life.

I am at college, and though I am slowly progressing through the friend-making process, I am not following the path of many here who are eager to explore the new boundaries of college life. I have had my fun. And I will have it again, but I have become accustomed to having my parties in an empty room, so I am hardly enticed by these new trappings. I suppose some things are genuinely different here, like the absence of immediate parental authority. And that is a freedom I have enjoyed this week, or at least appreciated in my mind. I mean, what would I do? I went to Wendy’s at 3 in the morning. Big whoop. And the classes are nice, at least a couple of them are, but I am finding that I don’t like the generic feeling of sharing my bathroom, dining table, hallway, darkroom, library, bedroom, desk, and computer with 20,000 of my closest friends. I need my time alone.

I feel crowded by much of this. At first I was angry at all the coolness, at all the drunken partying idiots, the women and roommates camped out in my hallway. But then I started to feel a peaceful acceptance of it, like : yeah, they’re idiots, but I love ‘em. And though I’m kind of on that same track now, idiots are no company for me, and I feel alone when I am around them. I miss the times with Nadja, and I even think I had more fun than this working at the Air Force base this summer. I think I might like it better at FBC, which makes me think that what I am missing is familiarity and comfort.

It’s like going to college shows you even more clearly what you are lacking…what you desire, or what you despise. Without feeling like you belong to a family, you are just you, and everything that is yours shows more clearly. I have felt like this before, and it is the feeling of being in a new place. Most people distract themselves with television or a façade of social encounters…I sit before bed and write my thoughts on paper. I feel sort of cynical when I think of when I felt like this at Colonel White, because I tend to remember the horrible things about that group of friends. There were good times, but I feel like they were tainted with idiotic ones. Perhaps my conclusion now is this : Those times were good for then, but they are not good for now.

Which brings us to Chaminade-Julienne. I felt alone at the beginning of that year, but I had the experiences of Colonel White behind me, and consequently I took actions that produced a more fulfilling situation. I met a lot of people, and made countless acquaintances, acknowledging in my mind that they were acquaintances, and recognizing which relationships would remain on that level, and which would progress further. At the end of the year I ended up with exactly what I envisioned the ideal situation (socially). I had a few good friends, one of whom was my girlfriend.

I feel out of control of my life.

I can do whatever I want

I just paid for my breakfast at Wendy’s with a couple of gift certificates somebody gave me from the CJ afterprom. And to tell you the truth, sitting here in the dining room of a fast food restaurant, I feel pretty damn good. What with that and the free coke I picked up on the way down here…set neatly beside the free T-shirt I got for signing up for my first credit card. Well what do you know, I’m my own person. I live in a town where none of my relatives live. I have a camera, a computer, a telephone. Hallelieuja! Life is good.

I can do whatever I want. As long as I get good grades and make at least $2,800 a year, on top of my FWS job, I can keep living here and doing whatever I want for at least four years. I can play, and be silly, and have fun, and wear silly hats, and shave my head, or let my hair grow long. I can program like a badass, and write books and take pictures like the unfettered rogue that I am.

You remember camp, where you can be king by being humble and being good at what you do, and being everybody’s friend. A girl’s T-shirt just said “You don’t need luck if you’re good.” Ain’t that the truth. Be the little kid that you are. Don’t care what anyone thinks. Don’t even be aware of it. Do, be, have, and do them with peace and ease. Have a great time, and have it consistently. Kick some motherfucking ass. Be the motherfucking shit. Play the contrasts, leaving current stereotypes in the dust of demolition. Be the wildest, most fun, craziest, silliest, unselfconscious, associated-to-the-moment, Freak there is. And couple this with academic and professional superiority. Smoke them all with a smile. Major in major things. Ignore that which is minor; appreciate it, but do not invest in it.

Classes don’t start for two days and as far as I’m concerned life is good. We have our room set up, and are starting to learn the ropes of college life. Creature comfort books present, Pulp Fiction playing. 32-bit Quake immersion in progress.

I can do whatever I want

autumn’s call

now
and then
I think I hear you
in the shadows of the sunlight
silence falls
you
are where
I want to be now
lost and safe within the morrow
far beyond

I
lie lonely
in your softness
solemn parting finds the waters
deeper still
we
are gone
and lost forever
in the silence and the sorrow
day will fall

once
I learn
to love the nighttime
then it’s darkness melts to blind me
moving on
past
the comfort
and the laughter
give up wonderful and faster
far beyond

autumn’s call